


Hurt

by inkheart9459



Series: Looks [4]
Category: The Devil Wears Prada (2006)
Genre: F/F, Non-graphic Mentions of Blood, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-08
Updated: 2015-01-08
Packaged: 2018-03-06 15:45:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3139826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inkheart9459/pseuds/inkheart9459
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The September issue is three days away from print and the only time Andy and the girls are going to get to see Miranda in that three days is at dinner. Caroline, though, is still holed up in the bathroom and Andy goes to get her. When she hears a crash from behind the door she's not quite ready for what she finds nor the memories from her past that it brings back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hurt

**Author's Note:**

> anon prompt on tumblr: "Mirandy prompt. Miranda and Andy find out one of the twins is cutting, said twin doesn't understand how damaging it can be if you go that little bit to deep. So Andy feels the need to share her experience with cutting/suicide attempt to help the girl through it. Miranda is just shocked because Andy hid her scars so well (make-up etc)" Another one of those prompts I hope I've done justice. Enjoy.

Andy knocked on the twins’ bathroom door. They were going to be late for their reservation if the Caroline didn’t hurry up. Miranda was going to meet them there and then most likely return to Runway. The September issue was three days away from the print deadline and there were still things that hadn’t been finalized. Miranda was a little beside herself, not that anyone else could tell but Andy. So they really, really, needed to be on time so they could at least see Miranda sometime in the next three days.

“Caroline? Sweetie, we really have to leave now or we’re going to be late,” Andy called through the door.

“Uh, yeah, I’ll be out in just a minute. Sorry, I lost track of time.” Caroline’s voice was shaky and weak. Andy felt a weight settle in the pit of her stomach at the sound of it.

“Are you all right, Caroline?” Andy really wanted the door to be open. She needed to see Caroline right now.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine Andy, really.” There was some rustling and bumping around behind the door.

A few seconds passed. Andy debating on leaving well enough alone. The twins were sixteen now. Andy remembered the age well. Nothing really made sense but you thought you were figuring everything out only to have everything change a day later. Maybe she had just needed some time to herself to adjust.

But then there was a great big thump on the other side of the door and Andy nearly jumped out of her skin. She looked at the doorknob and thanked every deity known to man that it was one of those where you could pop the lock by inserting a screwdriver. She shot off down the hall where they kept such odds and ends in her own study. She grabbed a tiny screwdriver and ran back. She jammed it in the hole and pushed open the door.

Caroline was on the floor with her sleeves pushed up and bandages surrounding her. Blood was running from her arms down her hands. A razor blade sat on the sink. Andy sucked in a breath. She knew exactly what was going on. Her thigh throbbed with phantom pain, remembering things long past.

She dropped to her knees. “Caroline, sweetie, how are you feeling?” She set to work right away taking the first aid kit from where it lay and grabbing out clean supplies again. She tied a bandage tight around Caroline’s upper forearm, away from the cuts to stem the blood flow. Immediately afterwards she started to clean away the blood. Small, little thin lines were revealed to her. They looked so harmless, nothing but a scratch, but Andy knew different.

She cleaned them quickly with alcohol pads and bandaged Caroline’s forearm up, white gauze and bandage wrapped around and around the girl’s arm. Andy swallowed. She hadn’t forgotten everything she had learned years ago. She didn’t know if she was grateful for that fact or fearful. In this instance she supposed very, very grateful.

“Caroline, how are you really?” Andy asked again.

“Just a little dizzy. It’s not bad. I just leaned over too far and lost my balance while I was trying to reach for another bandage.”

Caroline was paler than normal, but not by a lot. From the amount of blood that had been on her forearm, that had dripped onto the floor, and from the looks of the sink, she had lost less than she would giving blood. Andy bit her lip hard. She wanted to make sure Caroline was ok, she really did, but she didn’t know if taking her to the hospital would be the best thing. She would be checked into the psych ward for three days and that might be detrimental to her. Andy knew if she had been carted off to the hospital it wouldn’t have fixed anything. She would’ve played nice and then at the end of the three days gone back to doing it, maybe more intensely.

Andy swallowed around the lump in her throat. “Ok, ok. I’m going to help you to your bed and you’re going to lay down and then I’ll go grab some food for you to eat to help get your strength back up.”

“Ok,” Caroline said, looking at Andy with fear in her eyes.

Andy looped her arms around Caroline and pulled her to her feet slowly. Caroline still swayed a little once they were fully up, but she didn’t start to really fall. Andy let out a little relieved breath and helped Caroline down the hall to her room. She laid her down in bed and checked her bandages quickly. They weren’t bled through yet which was a good sign.

“I’ll be right back sweetie.” She turned to walk out of the room.

“Andy?” Caroline called after her.

Andy turned around. “Yeah?”

“You’re not going to tell Mom, are you?” Her eyes pleaded with her, begged her not to, but Andy couldn’t listen to them. She would keep the girl out of the hospital, but she would not hide this from Miranda. Miranda would want to know. Miranda had the right to know. And she would get her daughter the help she needed just like Andy’s parents had done for her.

“I think you know I have to, sweetie.”

Caroline closed her eyes and nodded.

“I’ll be right back with some juice and cookies, ok?”

Caroline didn’t respond. Andy sighed and left the room quickly. She met Cassidy on the way up the stairs. She silenced her with just a look.

“We’re not going. Sit with your sister. I’m going to get her a snack.”

Cassidy nodded, not knowing what else to do at Andy’s rather clipped tone. Andy herself just continued to fly down the stairs. Why in the world did this place have so many?

She was in the kitchen soon enough and grabbed a small bottle of grape juice and a package of the twins favorite cookies and was back up the stairs in record time. Cassidy was by her sister, holding her hand and talking to her quietly. They both looked up when Andy walked back into the room. Andy handed Caroline the snacks which Caroline took without protest.

“I’m going to go call you mom and let her know we aren’t going to make dinner. Call if you need anything, I’ll be right down the hall.” She shot Cassidy a look that explicitly told her to stay and watch her sister and went back to her study.

She shut the door behind her and took a shuddering breath. She had no idea how scary it was to be on the other side. When she had cut herself she had been numb. She felt the pain in an abstract way, but not fully. The blood had just been a consequence, nothing more. There was no reason to freak out at the red liquid dripping down her legs and into the tub. Her thigh throbbed again.

Miranda. She had to call Miranda. She swallowed. She was going to be frantic. She wasn’t going to know what to do. She had been floored when she had discovered Andy had hurt herself years ago, but it had been in the past. She had already healed from it at that point. This was Caroline, this was one of her babies, one of the ones she tried so hard to protect. She was going to blame herself, think it was something she did or didn’t do. But Andy knew that sometimes it didn’t matter if everything was right on the surface, sometimes it was just all wrong in your head. She wondered if she would be able to get Miranda to see that. Probably not for a long time if she ever truly did.

She picked up her phone, hit the first speed dial, and waited.  Miranda picked up on the second ring like always.

"Hello, darling, am I running late? I thought I gave Maya specific instructions to get me to leave on time but apparently I'm still reaching for the stars with that one. Just because I get involved in a layout that is a travesty does _not_ mean that I don't want to be interrupted when something as important as a family meal comes up."

Andy didn't have the heart to interrupt Miranda's tirade. Let her live in ignorance for just a bit more. But when she finally petered out Andy had no choice but to speak. She swallowed hard. Suddenly there was just no way that she was going to tell the older woman everything on the phone. Not when she couldn't be there to physically comfort her.

"Forget dinner, Miranda you're not late. We haven't left yet, but that's not the point. You need to get home right now."

"Whatever for, Andrea?" Miranda's voice had taken that lofty tone it did whenever she was ordered to do something.

"It's one of the twins. Wherever you are, get Roy to get you here as fast as you can. I'll explain once you get here."

Something in Andy's tone must have clued Miranda in that Andy was being serious, wasn't ordering her around for kicks and giggles like her husbands had because a note of fear entered her voice. "Andrea, what's going on?"

"Just get here, Miranda, and I'll explain. But Caroline is alright for now, but you need to be here."

She heard Miranda snapping her instructions at Roy. "I'll be there as soon as possible, darling." And with that, hung up in true Miranda Priestly style.

Andy took a deep breath, and then another and another. Miranda was on her way there. Caroline was going to be fine. Everything would be fine. Except she didn't know that for sure.

She bit the inside of her lip. She couldn't think like that. She was the optimistic one in their little family. She had to stay strong. But it was so very hard when old memories were coursing through her like wildfire, burning the support structures she'd made for herself years ago.

She walked past the twins again. Cassidy was talking softly with Caroline and Caroline was munching dutifully on the snacks Andy had brought her. Andy sighed in relief. It looked all so normal, like Caroline had just stayed home from school sick and Cassidy was keeping her company. That wasn't what it was at all, but it evened Andy out enough that she could climb down the stairs and wait for Miranda.

She didn't have to wait long. Ten minutes later Miranda was busting through the door, more askew than Andy had ever seen her. She was huffing, out of breath and visibly flushed.

Miranda answered Andy's unasked question. "Ran here from 70th. Traffic jam and it was only three blocks."

For Miranda to be that out of breath she had to have sprinted. She was in good shape for a woman of her age otherwise. Andy swallowed. Maybe she should have told her what was going on before. Maybe she would have waited and not sprinted. But then again, the twins were her babies so maybe it wouldn't have helped at all.

"Now what's going on?" Miranda shrugged off her coat, finally catching her breath.

"I went to get Caroline to go to dinner because she was in the bathroom still." Andy felt like a fifty ton weight was sitting on her chest. " She sounded odd but I was going to leave it alone until a loud thump came through the door. When I got it open Caroline was in there on the floor." Maybe it was a hundred ton weight. The words were so hard to get out. "She'd been cutting, Miranda."

It took a second for the words to truly register with the older woman, but Andy saw clearly when they did. Her face remained impassive as always, but her eyes, her eyes, the look in the was absolutely devastated. She turned away from Andy and busied herself putting her purse away on the table like always, grabbing out her phone and sending a rapid fire bunch of texts, no doubt to her assistants and Nigel telling them she wouldn't be back and what to do in her absence.

When she finally turned back to Andy the look wasn't gone, but it was subdued.

"Why?"

"I honestly didn't ask, Miranda. I was too busy bandaging her arm and helping her back to bed and giving her a snack help with the blood loss and then calling you I didn't ask."

Miranda ran a hand through her hair, mussing it more than Andy had seen outside the bedroom ever. "How could I have missed that one of my babies needed help? She's been doing this for how long and I've just been concerned with a magazine and paying no attention. What kind of mother am I?"

Andy swallowed hard yet again. Knowing that Miranda would think it was her fault and seeing Miranda break down in front of her were two totally different things. Andy stepped forward and wrapped her arms around Miranda. Miranda squirmed a bit, not wanting to be held, but sometimes Andy's height advantage came in handy.

"Miranda, you are a good loving mother. We both missed it and I'm not sure but I think Cassidy did too. We all missed it and I was the one who did the exact same thing at her age. It's easy enough to hide if you know what you're doing."

One of Miranda's hands drifted down andy's body to rest on her thigh. The aching calmed just a little under her touch.

"But what if I'm part of the reason she's doing this? What if I haven't been there for her enough, haven't been open enough to talking, that this is what she's turned to?" Her voice was barely more than a whisper.

Andy hugged her harder. "Miranda, you're a loving, supportive mother and the twins know they can talk to you about anything and frequently do. Do you remember what I told you the first time you ever saw the tattoo on my thigh?"

Miranda shook her head slowly. "I was a bit too astounded by the fact that you had self harmed to listen to much beyond that you had done it and that you were ok now."

"I said that I had everything going for me, a loving family, that I was smart, but that doesn't matter to depression. And I'm not sure, and we should let Caroline tell us what is truly the matter when she's ready to, but if I had to guess that's the case here. And you'll be as supportive a mother as you've always been and you'll get her the help you need and you won't treat her any differently than you ever have and you'll help her have the tools that she needs to get better. I know you will. You love your children so very much that nothing will stop you from being everything both of them will ever need."

Andy felt tears soaking into the shoulder of her blouse. Miranda was crying but her breathing had barely even changed. Andy stroked up and down her back soothingly. She loved this woman. She really truly did. And she loved her daughters just as much. More than anything she wanted every one of them to come through this in one piece.

"Maybe you could talk to her," Miranda finally said a very long time later when the wet spot on Andy's shoulder had grown to encompass practically her whole shoulder and part of her chest. "If any of us know what she's going through it would be you, darling."

Andy thought it over for a few seconds. "I mean I know somewhat. I don't know everything and it would be stupid of me to assume. But I can talk to her and tell her my story. The last thing she needs right now is someone telling her it will all be ok. I think that just makes everything worse. It did for me."

Miranda nodded into her shoulder. "Say what you think is right." She stepped back and wiped her eyes, mascara coming away lightly. She had cried most of the rest of it off. "To believe there was a time when I thought you couldn't be a writer." She laughed hollowly. "How could I ever think that when you manage to find the right words every single time."

Andy smiled at Miranda, a weak little thing but it was still there. She stepped forward again and cupped Miranda's face. "You say the right thing a lot more than you give yourself credit for." She stepped back again and climbed the stairs to the twins' floor once more.

Caroline and Cassidy were still talking in less subdued tones now that some time had passed. Andy walked in and stood in the doorway waiting for them to notice her. It didn’t take long. Caroline glanced up and fell silent. She swallowed visibly.

Andy stepped forward. “Cassidy, your mother’s downstairs, why don’t you go sit with her.”

Cassidy turned to her and looked her over for a second before standing and nodding. She exited the room quietly and Andy heard her soft footfalls on the stairs. Another deep breath and Andy was sitting down where Cassidy had just been.

The two of them sat in silence for a few moments before Caroline spoke. “Mom’s home?”

Andy nodded. “She is. She’ll probably be up later to see you.”

“You told her?” Caroline looked scared.

“I did. I had to.” Andy reached out to take Caroline’s hand but she pulled back just slightly. Andy let her hand fall back to her side.

“Did you really have to?” Caroline looked at the wall, avoiding Andy’s eyes.

“I did. Your mom and I both want you safe. And I know from personal experience that it only takes a little slip of the hand for the blade to go just a bit too deep and you’re more trouble than you planned for.”

Caroline stiffened. “You’re just saying that so I’ll stop.”

Andy stood, thankful that she’d worn a looser skirt today for dinner. “This is going to be weird for a second, bear with me.” She pulled up her skirt just enough to show the tattoo of the Gordian knot on her thigh. “I got this tattoo to cover up my scars. You can still feel them under the design, or see them if you really look hard enough.”

Caroline turned around and looked at the tattoo closely. Her hand came up and traced the lines carefully, her breath hitched when she came across the first cluster of scars. She pulled her hand back a bit later.

Andy let her skirt drop and sat back down. “I was a couple years younger than you when I started. Cutting on my thigh was easier to hide and for some reason I always cut around that area. I don’t know why anymore. It must have made sense to me at the time.”

Andy smoothed out her skirt and fidgeted a bit. This story hadn’t been easy to tell Miranda and it wasn’t easy now.

“I had everything going for me at the time. You’ll always have the people who won’t understand what you’re going through because everything looks perfect from their point of view. But that doesn’t really matter if everything’s perfect. It doesn’t have to make sense. You could have the best life in the world and depression wouldn’t care. It took me a long while to realize that.”

She looked up and met Caroline’s eyes. She had the girl’s full attention now. Andy was glad. She didn’t want to have to go over this twice. She balled her fists and plowed on.

“My parents caught me, much the same as I caught you. I’d cut too deep and too many times, lost too much blood and collapsed. They heard the sound and broke into the bathroom. I don’t know why they didn’t take me to the hospital, they just cleaned me up at home, but I’m glad they did in a way. I’m not exactly sure that a trip to a ward for a three day watch would’ve helped anything, it might have made everything that much worse. That would be why you’re sitting in your bed instead of in an ER right now, because I know how I felt in the same position. They got me the help I needed and I got better in a way. I still have bad days, we all do, but nothing like then. And I know I nothing of exactly what you’re going through and I won’t assume because that’s stupid. But I do know what I went through and if it’s anything like what I went through back then, it’s not easy and I’m sorry you have to go through it. But I’m always here to listen if you want and if you don’t want to that’s fine too. There’s your mom and your sister to talk to and we’ll find you a therapist for you to talk to as well. I’m not going to say it’s all butterflies and roses if you do talk to people, but it can help, maybe not immediately, but eventually. It takes a long while to heal, it’s a lifelong process for some things and you have to want to do it, but your family will be here for you every single step of the way no matter what, no matter if you cut again, no matter anything that happens. You understand?”

Caroline looked at her, long and hard. “Yeah, I do.”

“Good.” Andy stood up and kissed the girl on top of her head. “Let us know if you need anything. You ok if I send your mom up?”

Caroline scratched at the back of her neck. “She’ll come up here anyway.”

“She won’t if you say not to. She loves you and will do anything for you.”

“Ok.” Caroline sighed. “She’s not going to be all scary about it right?”

“No, honey, she’s not going to be all scary about it. If anything she’s the scared one. I think she might just hug you to death. And then maybe call every therapist in Manhattan at eight o’clock at night and bully them into getting you and appointment as soon as possible. But she won’t be scary to you. Is she ever?”

“With homework and stuff, yeah.” Caroline fiddled with her blankets.

“That’s only because she knows you can do it, you just watched too much Netflix. And believe me, she’s stern with you with that stuff, but has she really gone full La Priestly on you?”

That brought a small smile to Caroline’s face. “No, but she did on you that one time you came up the stairs.”

Andy’s eyes narrowed. “I recall that, yes, and it might just have been you and your sister’s fault. But I never told her that, did I?”

Caroline shook her head.

“I thought so. I’ll send up your mom, then.”

Caroline nodded and sat back in her bed.

As Andy was exiting the room Caroline called out. “Andy?”

Andy turned around.

“Thanks.”

Andy just smiled at her and went to go get Miranda.

 

 


End file.
